This One Thing Will Kill Your Negotiations Every Time

As I help physicians with their negotiations, I’ve noticed one thing that seems to take them all off the rails and sour the talks. Unfortunately, it’s common behavior for most folks. We learn early in childhood to rely upon these habits. To be fair, these habits do at times protect us, but at the negotiation table, they can hurt us.

Assumptions & Expectations

Those dangerous habits are holding assumptions and then creating expectations based upon those assumptions. These two beliefs will do more to torpedo our negotiations and here’s why.

Assumptions arise from the false belief that we know everything there is to know about a negotiation. We often tell ourselves that we know what the other side will or will not accept or consider. We believe we know exactly how they think and will respond. We assume a lot about the other side. Often these assumptions are based on past experiences, yet we rarely if ever test those assumptions.

I’m not surprised by the number of folks who think they know precisely how a negotiation will proceed. I think it’s human nature to attempt to predict the future, yet, frequently we are very accurate at doing that. We hold assumptions about other all the time. Just the other day, I assumed my wife would never want to go to a particular restaurant because the last four times I mentioned the idea was shot down. So this time I didn’t even mention it. This time that’s where she wanted to go. I assumed she wouldn’t want to go, so I didn’t even make the suggestion.

The dangerous thing about assumptions is that they lead to expectations. Expectations are the strongly held beliefs that something will occur in the future. The issue with holding expectations is our emotional response when those expectations don’t come to life.

I can expect my son to mow the lawn, but when he doesn’t, I have a variety of emotions from disappointment to frustration to concern for his well being. He might just be acting like a lazy teenager, or he might have a big project at school, or he might not be feeling well and caught whatever illness is going around. I don’t know until I ask about it. I have to acknowledge the emotions I’m feeling and then refocus and ask questions.

At the negotiation table, the same thing will happen to you, especially if you hold expectations. You might expect them to accept the terms, or counter with a specific set of numbers. When they don’t, you will begin to experience emotions. If they’ve built up your positive expectations, then you’ll likely feel anxiety and fear of losing the deal. That’s a trap they’re trying to set for you.

Expectations are those roadblocks we use to determine our success in the negotiation. When those expectations are not being met, that’s when things can begin to unravel. That’s when we try to control the results and risk demonstrating neediness at the negotiation table.

What Do We Really Control?

We must remember we don’t control the results; we control the processes that get those results. When the other side is not meeting our expectations, we might attempt to control them; we might even think we can. However, I’ve never met someone who can control another human being. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time controlling my six-month-old lab puppy. How can I expect to control the complex person on the other of the table?

And that right there is why we get into trouble. We think we can control them. In our attempts to control them, we try to manipulate them, make them do things we want or need. Our behaviors either come across as neediness or aggression. Ultimately when we try to control them, we’ve essentially taken away their right to veto, their right to say no.

I am also not surprised when they become emotional when their expectations are not met. The reason this happens is that they begin with assumptions. It’s the assumptions you make which will lead you to make mistakes.

What’s the Solution?

So how do we keep our assumptions at bay? How do we prevent them from creating expectations? That’s a great question. The best place to start is with a growth mindset; one that recognizes you don’t have all the information. One that understands you can only control process, not the people.

An excellent tool for helping you keep your mind open and free of assumptions and expectations is to blank slate. Consciously make an effort and recognize what you do and don’t know. Then create a plan that helps you fill in the missing pieces of information. Craft great questions that help you complete the puzzle you’re seeing. Know what you can and cannot control and set valid objectives and goals. If you do this, you’ll have greater success at the negotiation table.