Overcoming the Assumptions Other’s Make of You

Recently, I discussed how you could identify and overcome your assumptions. I shared a story about talking with a friend some issues in our business. Early in the conversation, I could tell my friend came to argue his point. His body language shouted. I'm ready for a debate and argue my point. He was a little bit sterner in his facial expressions; his body language was defensive. I recognized I needed to get him to lower his defenses. So how did I get him to do that? I asked good open-ended questions. I inquired about his thoughts and feelings on the topic. I also let him know he did not have to answer my questions too. If he didn’t want to respond to any or just one of my questions, that would be okay. I wasn’t going to angry. You'll find most people will talk, especially if you invite them to. As they began to talk, they will share more information you can use to help gain a greater understanding of their positions and feelings.

Questions Are the Key to Understanding

Good listening begins with asking good questions. The questions you ask are the key to the door of understanding their motives, their wants, and their needs. Usually, we ask questions so that we gain understanding. But, sometimes we also ask questions, so the other party will understand what they are feeling and show we understand them.

Asking good questions can aid in their discovery of their thoughts and feelings. The right question can jar them from their own stubbornness. It can get them to ask themselves why they are thinking and feeling what they are. You can help them define the issues about how they think and feel.

Questions to Ask

You will want to ask open-ended questions that lead to discovery. You want to bring them along on the discovery journey. Here are some good questions you can use to help them discover and reveal what they are thinking and feeling:

• What do you feel/think about this? Why do you feel/think that way? These are great starter questions. They prime the pump and can help them begin to talk and share information. Based upon of the information they share, you can ask more questions that dive deeper.
• When have you experienced this in the past? What was the result in the past? What happened? How is this different? How is it similar? What did you do/think/feel when you saw/experienced this in the past? This gets them to compare and contrast their past experiences with what is happening in the present. It can be a powerful tool to illuminate any assumptions they may have. If they discover and acknowledge their assumptions are wrong, they are more apt to change their opinions than if you were to convince them through arguing.

Your Behaviors Also Speak for You

Remember the tone you use and how you ask your questions will considerably impact the way the other party receives them. Ask your questions in a soft, calm voice. Your body language will also be communicating for you. Relax and be open. Lean forward and maintain comfortable eye contact. Give clues that you are listening and understanding what they are saying. As you do, ask more and more questions that drive at discovering their assumptions. In the end, you will likely find the real reasons they are holding their assumptions. Then use questions to illustrate how those assumptions might be wrong. If you can do this, you can quickly overcome other's assumptions about you.