How to Stop Your Assumptions from Clouding Your Understanding

The other day, I sent out a request to an individual to connect with them on LinkedIn. I included a brief note of how we met at a conference. Their reply to my invite was

David, just say this. Sorry.

At first, I didn’t know what to think. To me, not much time had passed between my invite and their acceptance. Their response puzzled me because they did accept the connection response. I couldn’t figure out what they meant by that statement. Was I supposed to say "sorry"? I admit I confused, and realized I was missing something, so I asked my wife for her opinion.

“Perhaps they meant to say “Just saw this. Sorry.”, she suggested. “Sometimes Siri doesn’t get it right, and people don’t check it before they hit send.”

That made sense to me. It can be difficult to practice what I preach at times. I teach that in leadership and negotiations, we shouldn’t hold on to our assumptions. If we don’t understand something or someone, ask questions to gain clarity. In this circumstance, there was a little voice that said, “You might be missing something here. Ask questions; get advice.”

What To Do When You Don’t Understand Something

When you lack understanding, the first step to gaining clarity is recognizing you lack understanding. Admit you don’t have an understanding of the situation, or my example, the communication. The second step is to gain clarity. Here’s what I do when I don’t understand something or my assumptions get in the way of my seeing the whole picture.

1. Ask someone for their opinion or viewpoint. I did this very thing with my wife. I recognized I wasn’t seeing the situation from every possible angle and asked my wife what she thought. Almost immediately she provided me with her viewpoint, and it helped me gain clarity. Her points were valid and helped me see the situation differently. In dealing with people, if you don’t know what’s going on, ask questions.
2. Ask yourself “What are my assumptions based upon?” I assumed most people communicate directly and get to the point quickly. I expected a few days could pass before someone takes action on some items, such as a connection request. I assumed they felt the same way. Apparently not. Their reply, which was less than two days after my request tells a different story. They likely assumed I expected an immediate response and would be offended if they took a long time to act. Or least that is what I’m assuming based upon their message and the apology. We can easily project our values, opinions, and expectations on to others. Most of the time, we do this by being aware that we are doing it. Try not to make assumptions as you interact with others. Get data that explains their behavior.
3. Avoid reacting and strive to respond. Our initial gut reactions can be correct sometimes. But there are times when they are not. I think our gut reactions become more reliable as we gain experience in a particular environment. For example, physicians often have a gut instinct when it comes to a particular disease state. Or when I am preparing for a flight, if my gut says “Whoa, wait.” I listen. However, when we deal with something or someone new, we should take our instincts with a grain of salt. We use past experiences as a reference to make sense of what we observe. Sometimes that model simply isn’t correct. Be willing to accept that your assumptions, your models of how things should be, might be wrong or incomplete.
4. Make sure your communication is as clear as possible. Communication is a two-way street. We must not only work to understand the other side, but we must make certain we are clear in our communication too. Choose your words carefully. Be as precise as possible to avoid confusion. Think before you speak and ask “How might this be received or interpreted by the other side?”

Recognizing your own biases and assumptions will help you achieve greater success as you lead and negotiate. If you’re in a new environment, meeting someone new, or doing a new activity, verify your gut instinct. Resist the urge to react and make a conscious effort to respond. Make sure you are clear in your communication. If you can do these, your relationships and negotiations will be much easier.