Dealing with the Prideful Employee

The other evening I was involved in an “intervention” or counseling session with a fellow physician. Complaints were raised by nursing staff regarding his demeanor and type of communication he has with them. Technically, he’s a good physician, very well-read, and does a good job of caring for his patients. However, he continually has “run-in’s” with the support staff. This was the topic we were addressing at this particular meeting.

As we began to discuss the events, his body language shouted “I’m right. Everyone else is wrong.” The tone and tenor of his voice were coated with pride. Why am I here? I don’t deserve this. I’m the best in the group. He had a hard time displaying any empathy towards the nurses. “I’m sorry they received the message that way," was his typical reply. Suffice it to say, but his attitude was impairing the progress of the meeting.

A few of the members of the meeting wanted to continue and discuss methods of improving his relationships with the support staff. I, however, did not because of the prideful demeanor he was displaying. Pride is a horrible attribute to possess. It blinds you. It hurts you.

How to Deal with the Prideful Person

1. Don’t use the direct assault method with them. Prideful people have one characteristic that impairs them from hearing your message - pride. They won’t listen and they are likely waiting for a fight. Remember, they think they are always right. Any data or argument you offer will be seen as an attack and an opportunity for them to prove you wrong. Their pride keeps them from being open-minded. You will have to approach them from the side. They will be looking for a debate, you will need to do something different.
2. Ask questions instead. Asking good questions is something I learned from my old mentor Jim Camp. Asking good questions is great to bring down the defense of someone who is prepared for an argument. Questions will get you off the you attack, they counter-attack mode. Before you sit down with them, craft some good opened questions. Folks with pride have deficits in their personal insight. Their ego prevents them from seeing their world differently. Craft your questions to help them view the situation from a different angle. They won’t see it coming and will drop their defenses to deal with the unanticipated tactic.
3. Develop their pain. Listen to what they are saying and how they say things. Another great technique to get a prideful person to open up and lower their defenses is to mirror their behavior. Chris Voss in his book Never Split the Difference has some great tips on how to effectively mirror. In it he suggests using the Jedi mindtrick. Merely repeat the few important words they have just said. This will prompt them to continue to talk and reveal more information, thus giving you greater insight into their world. As you begin to understand how they think and feel, you’ll be better informed as to the best method of changing their behavior.
4. Dump your baggage. Check your own personal feelings at the door. You may not like the prideful person, but leave those emotions outside the meeting. If you do like the individual, leave those positive feelings outside as well. Do your best to avoid allowing your emotions to sway you one way or another. Recognize how your bias might influence your confrontation and counseling. Finally, if you ever think the prideful person is a necessary team member, that your business “can’t live without them”, dump that feeling fast. Understand what you want and need as a leader. You want a solid cohesive team that functions well together at all times. You need team players. If their behavior prevents you from attaining what you want and need, then perhaps they shouldn’t be on the team.
5. Be willing to let go. Ultimately, you cannot change anyone who refuses to change. Remember, their behavior and actions are preceded and determined by their thoughts and feelings. To change their behavior, you must somehow change their mindset and attitude. Changing someone else’s attitude and mindset is infinitely more difficult than changing your own. How much success have you had in changing your own? How much easier do you think getting someone else to change will be? Set up a plan and milestones of progress. If you don’t see the desired change in behavior, then you must be willing to let them go.

Dealing with a prideful person is hard and unpleasant. If you want to rehabilitate them, you must protect yourself from their out-lashes and words. Get your mind and spirit right before you have the awkward conversation. Remember, the conversation is about them and their behavior, not the team, other people, the company or even yourself. Only they can change their attitude and mindset; you can just provide a plan and incentive to do that.